Yeah, I Said It - Softcover

Are We Mad?

I don't mean to disrespect the president...that's bullshit. You know I do. Hasn't anyone noticed that his eyes are getting closer and closer together? Pretty soon his left and right eye will be the same eye. If you look at him in just the right light (i.e., the light of truth), he resembles that weasel from the Kipling story, Riki-Tiki-Tavi. Talk about beady. And I'm supposed to trust this guy? He's either the greatest hypnotist since Svengali or we're just stupid.

Correct me if I'm wrong, but didn't we get rid of one president for lying about a government-sanctioned hotel break-in? And didn't we oust another because he lied about whom he had sex with? Last time I checked lying to us to justify a war trumps breaking into a hotel room and a blow job. Note the key word: lie. The only thing Bush II has done is get caught in lie after lie. Lies about the deficit, tax cuts, Social Security, the Iraq war. But we let him just keep on keeping on. What's wrong with us? Would we put up with that kind of treatment from anybody else in any other situation? Hell no!

Are we nuts? Why aren't we having a fit? Bush said that Saddam was an "imminent threat to our security." He said Saddam had weapons of mass destruction. He lied. We didn't find shit. Then he tried to twist it by telling us they found some equipment that could possibly be used to make WMDs. What kind of bullshit is that? Either he's retarded or he thinks we're retarded. I took a physics class when I was in high school, that don't mean that I'm at home whipping up bombs.

Why aren't we in the streets screaming for him to be impeached? Are we under some fear spell? He lied. I've seen people more upset when Whitney is a no-show. Let Streisand cancel a performance. It's chaos. "Babs said she'd be here tonight. She lied! That cockeyed bitch lied!"

See, to me, America is like my car. I love my car. And my car is supposed to take me wherever I want to go as long as I keep the "governing" fluids changed and get regular tune-ups. That's what elections are: a nationwide tune-up -- every four years. So that makes the president sort of like...our mechanic. And all we want from him is to just keep our shit running good. That's all. If he can do that without costing me an arm and a leg, cool. But, what if my mechanic was not only incompetent, but constantly lied about what's wrong with my car. A real-live Mr. Badwrench. Actually, more like a Mr. Fucked-up Wrench. Never fixed the car, just kept washing it. That's all, just washing it over and over and over again. My car's falling apart, but "it looks clean." Wouldn't I get a new mechanic? Or at least give another mechanic a shot? Wouldn't I report him to wherever bad mechanics get reported? Damn right. Look, in November, since we can't just up and buy a new car, can we at least get someone to get this bitch up and running?

Look Over Here!

We have U.S. soldiers being killed every day over in Iraq because of an unjustified war that Bush started. The economy is in the toilet. The education system is failing our kids. The deficit is out of control. However, instead of fixing any of this shit, the president focuses on nonproblems. We won't think about what is really going on if he makes us think that the real problems are steroids in sports, space travel, and gay marriage. You've got to be kidding me. Sometimes I feel like we're trapped on a bad Fox reality show, Joe President. He's not really a president. He's a construction worker. If he gets reelected, he gets a million dollars and we get screwed.

Enhancements

In what will hopefully be his last State of the Union Address, George W. said that we needed to crack down on the use of steroids in professional sports. When he said that, I was like, "Nigga, what?" I'm sorry, I rarely use that word, but he deserved it for saying some dumb shit like that. With all that's going wrong in this country, steroids in pro sports should not even be on his radar. Steroids are flying right above Nick and Jessica. Right now the president should not be concerned about athletes who are playing "too" good. The guy who has been unemployed for the past six months doesn't give a shit about millionaire ballplayers getting in trouble for using performance-enhancing drugs to elevate or in some cases sustain their careers. This broke guy isn't going, "Hey, I think there might be an outfielder position opening up in San Francisco. I better get my résumé together." This guy is wishing he could have taken some performance enhancers; maybe he could've kept his computer engineering job. Who is Bush trying to fool? Not me.

Now why shouldn't athletes be allowed to take performance-enhancing drugs? They get to wear performance-enhancing clothes, don't they? What the hell do you think a kneepad, or a bat, or cleats are for? To enhance performance. A football player isn't born wearing a face mask. But you'd think Jerry Rice was nuts if he went on the field without one, wouldn't you? I never saw Barry Sanders blast one up the middle without wearing a helmet. Or Ken Griffey Jr. slap a line drive down the third base line with his hand. So we shouldn't be upset if athletes take the "equipment" to the next level and make it "internal equipment."

How about shoes? Ever try driving the lane while barefoot? Don't shoes enhance normal human performance? Of course, but they're perfectly legal. So what if steroids can alter mental ability and capacity for clear thought? Talk about fun players, I'd love to see somebody get tackled during the National Anthem. There'd be bench-clearing brawls after the game. My kinda players.

So what if steroids eventually destroy the prostate and testicles and totally kill the sex drive? Hey, some of those guys need their sex drives tamed a bit. Holla at me, Denver! Hell, these guys need to take something with all that pressure they're under. It's not easy being a multibillion-dollar franchise player or even a benchwarmer. They've got so much to worry about: the games, the interviews, the parties, the checks, the chicks, endorsements, paternity suits, late-night car crashes, DUIs, murder investigations. No wonder they need some drugs to help them compete. Let them take all the steroids they want, if you ask me. Let 'em shoot up on the field, or snort during the half-time interview. Who cares? We just want a good game.

Space Program

Bush announced an initiative to spend twelve billion dollars to create a permanent moonbase by 2020. That's the first smart thing that he has proposed. He knows by the time he gets through, we will be so fucked on this planet that we're going to be needing another home real soon. We're not getting our deposit back on this one. We're going to have to sneak off and move in the middle of the night. Between the pollution, lowered emission standards, drilling, and pissing off every other country on the planet, Bush knows it's time for us to start packing up.

NASA, the JPL, it's the welfare for nerds. It is a billion-dollar welfare program for really smart dorks. Where else are they going to work? They're too smart to do anything else. They can't fit in with us. They know a bunch of stuff that us regular folks could give two shits about. They would annoy us to the point of hurting them. "Hey Wanda, did you know that the atmosphere on -- " Pow! "Shut it up, dummy on the moon."

What have we learned from our space travels? Seriously? What have we learned or discovered that affects our daily lives? Nothing. We're spending billions of dollars in outer space for what? Why don't we spend just half of that to find out who shot Tupac?

I don't give a damn about space travel. I don't even have a passport, so you know I don't give a fuck about the weather on Mars. Shit, I'm not leaving the country, get caught up in a coup. Whenever they do discover something, the vast majority of us have no idea what it means. "Scientists discovered today that stars can be consumed by a black hole." What? Sounds like a report about Lil' Kim to me. "NASA discovered that an area of Mars was once drenched in water." And? Even the news anchor who reports the story don't know what the hell they're talking about. When it comes to that shit, they are just reading the TelePrompTer. Even Peter Jennings has that blank stare when it comes to that space shit.

Approximately twenty percent of Americans currently own a passport, so why are we dicking around in space? Ain't no happy Mars movies. Star Trek went there and shit went bad. I do believe that there is life on other planets. I also believe that we are the dumbest creatures in the universe. The Fox network is proof positive. I bet they don't dare have shows like The Littlest Groom or The Swan on Neptune.

I bet our Opportunity Rover is on the Martian news. "Those simple earthlings are at it again." To them, our rover is probably like the mosquitoes and the West Nile virus to us. "We're going to have to spray again."

Gay Marriages

It's spreading. The gays are going marriage crazy across the country. Massachusetts passed a law legalizing gay marriages. Also in San Francisco gay couples were lined up for miles because the mayor was issuing marriage licenses for same-sex couples. So now President Bush, under pressure from the conservatives, and needing any distraction to get our focus off the shit he's got us in, put his foot down and proposed a constitutional amendment to ban same-sex marriages. The president starts another attack, the war on the nuptials of Sam and Greg.

Bush said the amendment to define marriage as only between a man and a woman would "fully protect marriage." I don't think marriage needs to be protected from same-sex couples. The biggest threat to marriage is divorce. Divorce is kicking marriage's ass. Divorce is what ruined my marriage, not Stacy and Anna getting hitched. Most marriages end in divorce. If Bush and the Christian conservatives really want to protect marriage they should propose a constitutional amendment to ban divorce. Divorce is in direct opposition of their Christian bel...