What's Your Baby's Poo Telling You?: A Bottoms-Up Guide to Your Baby's Health - Hardcover

Doodie Disasters. These entries demand special attention, given their extreme nature. Survival is contingent on remaining calm, following instructions, and, whenever possible, calling your spouse for help.

Introduction

Newborn babies. They sure are cute, aren’t they? Cuddly little dough balls that you just want to eat up. After all, what could be more precious than a mini version of you with pillowy soft skin and that hypnotic new-baby smell?

Before you get lost in the euphoria that is new parenthood, it is important to realize that raising a child is not one endless stretch of cooing and bonding. For the next few years, your waking life (what’s left of it) will be consumed by dealing with your new baby’s poo, pee, and gas.

At the risk of staining the porcelain-white image of babies everywhere, the time has come to break the seal of silence on baby poo. New parents may not be willing to look past a newborn’s angelic attributes, while more seasoned parents will accurately depict these tots as potent excretion machines from the moment they are born. And most pediatricians will tell you that a baby’s pee and poo provide critical indicators of a baby’s overall health.

Sleep training? Vaccines? Forget it. The most important parenting decisions and signals involve poo. Will formula constipate my child? What is a normal number of bowel movements for a baby, anyway? Should I use cloth or disposable diapers? Is that red stuff in the diaper blood? How do I know when my child is ready to use the potty? The list of digestion-related queries goes on.

Adults who never cast a glance at their own waste will develop an intimacy with their own child’s poo—looking, smelling, even touching their child’s excrement to ensure its appropriateness.

While we do not recommend routine handling of poo, we applaud the efforts of parents everywhere to better understand their little bundles of joy by taking a look at what’s in the nappy.

Congratulations, parents! This butt’s for you.

One

A Survival Guide

Some may cringe when we say raising a newborn is all about survival. Until now, life has been nothing but a field test. The SATs? College applications? Landing your first job? Navigating these life milestones will feel like mere practice missions.

It is now time for battle.

Don’t let those chubby thighs and little fingers and toes throw you off your game. You are about to be bombarded with more poo, pee, gas, and vomit than you ever thought possible. Immediately after your baby is born, the first test will be deciphering poo’s complex color code as you encounter jet-black, molasses-like stool unlike any you have seen before.

For most parents, the most daunting task will be dealing with the dreaded Poonami. This baby blowout will challenge even the most confident parents as they attempt to contain the incessant flow of diarrhea. Can you contain a Class III Poonami when faced with a wailing, thrashing child, in the shroud of darkness?

Your child will inevitably poo at the most inopportune time, in the most inconvenient place, and when you are least expecting it. How prepared are you?

Other bodily waste presents its own set of challenges. The art of burping encompasses not just getting your little one to bring up a little air after feeding but doing so in a way that prevents a spew of spittle from spoiling your entire wardrobe.

Combine this onslaught of bodily waste with an unimaginable dose of sleep deprivation you previously associated only with terrorist interrogations, and there should be no doubt that, yes, this is war.

This book will make sure you are ready to survive the barrage of excreta, regardless of the orifice of origin. We recommend paying special attention to those entries designated Doodie Disasters (indicated by the symbol ). Successfully navigating these high-stakes situations, often with the help of your spouse, will give you a sense of accomplishment while also minimizing dry-cleaning and carpet-cleaning bills.

Parents, prepare for battle. . . . There’s no turning back now.

Two

Pregnancy and Poo

In the Oven

The miracle of life. We all marvel at those ten little fingers and ten little toes when we see them for the first time. And is there anything more special than hearing your baby’s heartbeat or finding out if it’s a girl or a boy (or twins!)?

Lost amid these admittedly poignant moments is the importance of the plumbing.

While the development of the digestive and urinary systems may not hold the cachet of the growing brain or heart, we would argue it is equally important.